2 Weight Loss Jokes to Erase Your Food Cravings Guilt

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Alex Ragner

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The first in this series of weight loss jokes is a collection of…

Top 15 Cheaters’ Tips

  1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  2. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.
  3. Tasting other people’s food does not add to your calorie count.
  4. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
  5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you become thinner.
  6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package, not part of one’s personal fuel… Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
  7. Pieces of cookies contain no fat – the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
  8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something sweet.Examples are: peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
  9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate, pink grapefruit and ham.
    NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
  10. Frozen foods have no calories because calories are units of heat. For example: ice cream, frozen pies, and popsicles.
  11. Power bars and other type energy bars make you thinner. In all my years of exercising (at least three times a year) I have only seen thin people eating energy bars. Therefore they must make you thin.
  12. Snickers is the same as an energy bar (see #11 above).
  13. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
  14. Containers of food that list the number of servings as greater than one are lying. Every container includes one serving. Half gallon of ice cream, whole box of cereal, bottle of soda, bag of chips – are all one serving.
  15. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

And one of the funniest weight loss jokes to help you with your chocolate cravings:

10 Basic Truths about Chocolate

  1. Chocolate is a vegetable: chocolate is derived from cocoa beans, and beans are vegetables.
  2. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS; both are plants, which place them in the vegetable category. One more proof that chocolate is a vegetable.
  3. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
  4. If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.
  5. You only can get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car by eating it in the parking lot.
  6. Diet tip: eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your appetite, and you’ll eat less.
  7. Chocolate has many preservatives, and preservatives make you look younger.
  8. Put ‘eat chocolate’ at the top of your list of things to do today; that way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
  9. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn’t that handy?
  10. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose; an entire garment industry would be devastated, and you can’t let that happen, can you?

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