Let's start this weight loss jokes series with an interesting...
"There’s this awfully skinny guy at work… he took me to lunch yesterday and we had a salad. Then we split a strawberry yogurt after work. Today he wants me to come to his place for steamed eggplant and freshly squeezed broccoli juice."
"If you don't like him, why don't you just tell him ‘NO’?"
"I can't. I'm losing weight."
I joined a fitness club last year to lose some weight, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently, you have to show up.
Yesterday at the gym, my personal trainer told me to bend until I touch my toes.
I said, "I don't have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?"
A young man rushed into the doctor’s surgery having a carrot up one nostril, a cucumber in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"Doctor, doctor,” he gasped, “I’ve got dreadfully sore ears and can hardly breathe! What’s wrong with me?"
The doctor looked at him for a few minutes, shook his head sorrowfully and replied, "You're not eating right."
Our reporter’s interview with Dr. Roundy Plenty M.D. will hopefully clear up any misconceptions you may have had about healthy nutrition:
Q: They say cardiovascular exercise prolongs your life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should we cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of green leafy vegetables and a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: How can I calculate my body - fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is 1:1. If you have two bodies, your ratio is 2:1, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of any, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Is chocolate bad for you?
A: Are you crazy? Helllllooo? Cocoa beans... they’re just another vegetable!
And let me give you a helpful tip: have a cookie... flour comes from wheat, which is a veggie.
And one more thing: when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt!